Questioning my Hijab: Faith, or Societal Code?

My first photo wearing the veil

Five years ago (it was the Ramadan kick off of my senior school year), I took the daring and responsibility-packed decision to wear my veil. I have to admit that I never was forced to put it on, although I strongly recall asking my parents five years prior to then to get veiled, and my mom back then strongly refused, saying that I was too young.

Reasons for my Being Veiled….

Although my perception of the veil has greatly changed along those years (and especially most recently, within the past 6-7 months), the one thing that hasn't changed is that I knew back then, and I still know right now, that it definitely is a right call…. But how does it count if one takes the right decision for the wrong reasons?

It was always the fear of God's judgment; they say that once a girl reaches puberty, she must wear her veil; and hence, it seemed to my perception that every passing day without wearing the veil after having reached puberty, was doing something wrong… or in another mental dimension, it seemed to be a continuous counter of accumulative sins.

The other famous sentence used for "religious" motivation is, "what if you die today; what if you never wake up the next morning….wouldn't you regret not doing this, or that?" Magically, as hollow as this sentence is, it has an influence of rushing you into doing things, yet again out of fear, and never out of faith.

And last but not least, is societal/ peer pressure. I was raised in a community were at one point it becomes a default idea that you'll get veiled sooner or later. Not only so, but adding to which the great praise a girl receives when she gets veiled, and the greater dissent she receives when she takes it off.

Summing up all the previously mentioned…. Five years ago, I took the decision to get veiled.

The Five Veiled Years…

That will probably be the shortest paragraph of all, for I can't pinpoint much change. In gratitude to my veil, and out of shame of myself, I recall many times when I stopped myself from doing stuff out of respect for my costume, rather than respect for myself.

I can admit that, although I may not be really bad, but my veil often kept me in line, when I otherwise would have gone astray, even if briefly.

Otherwise, the evolution my life underwent was pretty smooth, interesting, and packed with challenges of all sorts… the interesting kind of challenges.

Questioning my Religion-Oriented Costume…

In an interview I ran for my graduation project magazine, I was talking to a well renowned religion scholar with whom I tackled the issue of our community's religious status along the generations.

It's very noticeable how our society has been shifting for quite a while from true inner faith, to a parade of religious pretences. And I'm not the kind who indulges in wearing fake masks…

Looking back at my entire spiritual track, I never really chose my religion of faith out of knowledge and free will. I don't question my core faith though, but what I truly do question are all the rituals (if that is a correct linguistic reference to عبادات) that I exercise heartlessly, and spiritlessly!!

I take a look at bearded men, or women in Neqab who put on a show of horrible attitudes, and it's very disgraceful how they undermine the religion they represent, and the stereotypical image they create. But how am I any different from those?

I'm a veiled girl who barely knows anything about her religion. I'm a veiled girl who barely keeps up with the 101s of her religion… There's nothing that I do under the name of religion that's full of meaning. How have I satisfied the beginners' level of faith to move on to the next level of showing it off in how I dress?

The Mental Conflict….

THE HYPOCRISY… it's just eating me up inside. I'm only fooling everyone around me with this fake costume. Just the idea that I refer to it as a 'costume' is a DISASTER. It's not a 'costume', it's an esteemed lifestyle. If I can't rise up to which, I'm not worthy of looking like that.

But then, the problem is that the society doesn't find any problem with this gap, because it's become a default look hollow of meaning.

The next killer question is… I lost track as to, why I'm wearing the veil! Is it to please God, my society, or myself? The answer seems logical, but how about application?

So, I do it because it's something God Asks me to do, but I don't think I’m quite eligible for it right now... yet if I take it off while maintaining my good core, I'm still a sinner to the eyes of the society.

The question may then be rephrased to
"Why am I STILL wearing it?"



To Think, or Not to Think...


I have forever embraced a beautiful religion that urges us to never take things for granted, and to always think matters through thoroughly.

That's what I've done; but what if my mental activities lead me down the wrong lane? What if I do something I'm convinced is right, whereas I'm blindly taking the wrong turn?

Come what may... I believe in God's love and forgiveness. Whatever decision I take, I take out of faith in You! I just don't wish to join those who offend their religions. I just want my spiritual connection to be genuine and true.

Not too much to ask, but worthy enough to work hard for :)