My Ego, Alter-Ego, and the Blurred Lines in Between

   Many of us have come across a movie or two where a particular good character has been cloned, and where that clone goes bad. Eventually, there comes the scene when a third party is driven to the sweat-pouring point where they swing the gun back and forth with shaking hands between the good character and the bad clone. The question prevails... which one to take down?

Daughter (band)
Image seemed relevant

    Often when I contemplate my actions, thoughts or beliefs, I take a sweeping glance at the several alter-egos dwelling within, and each of them starts provoking me to put down the rest. So I summon my forehead scratching Inspector Gadget alter-ego, and I start tracing the roots of each bastard within.

   It's quite frustrating to find that often the most active and surfacing alter-egos are those which have rather illusive origins. They barely ever lead to any roots, for they always seem to stem from other people's conclusions, impressions, and probably deceptive alter-egos.

   I'm the kind of person who likes to believe in things and people until concretely proven false, but I keep sinking deeper into a void of disbelief. And the first suspect of fraud is me. 

   Even though I would regard myself a quite confident person who's not likely to have self-esteem issues, but it isn't quite hard to tell that something is wrong. I often convict myself of fraud because my sense of security and achievement is to a great extent a by-product of external approval. If I share my thoughts, I keep an obsessive eye on all the channels where people may complement them. The same happens with basically anything I share.

   Yet, there are the times when I just feel inclined to step away from the herd. There are the times when I intensely feel alienated from everyone. And those times feel the worst because I know that sharing what I feel probably won't be met with a nod of approval. Worse yet, I will probably end up with a label I resent.

   Sue me, but I feel distant the grimmer social media and  mass communications get. I know that there's a lot of ugliness out there. I realize the amount of heart ache humanity has to bear. But I'd rather be joyful about the little good left in this world, because one day, in this life or the one after, all records shall be set straight. Call me a fool, egocentric, or shallow, but I feel alienated from what most people are expressing. And it's frustrating to be gasping for air in a pool of questions on my own.

   As everyone around me 'seems' to understand what's going on, leaving me clueless and the least curious to understand, the only place where I find sanctuary is silence. But little do I realize that in silence is where my insecurities are loudest. To numb them, or silence them -if it's my lucky day-, I then engage in a mindless marathon with the crowd I feel most comfortable with, the one which is least likely to evoke more demons.

   God have mercy on me, for I live in a damned era of corrosive and core-decaying "mass communications" where people have become more outspoken than active; more pretentious than genuine. Where every shred of authenticity in thought, feelings or behavior has fled to sanctuary in silence, or ripped to pieces upon expression. We like to believe we're true, but how much of anything that we do or say is purely honest?