Repeat after me, 'I'm not fat, I'm BEAUTIFUL!"

   Hi, my name is Enas, and I happen to have been born and raised in a fucked up time for humanity. As I grew older trying to sculpture my cognitive senses, the surrounding human race clearly stated that women are evaluated upon their waist and bra sizes.

   No one would ever dare tell a kid that she's "ugly" because she's fat, but they certainly make it clear that it's more than plausible to lose weight. It's one of those things that need not be clearly said; it's quite obvious how "important" it is when people pour all that time, money and attention into one thing... Hell, it must be important, right?

   Now, let's face a couple of facts... I'm Egyptian, and I'm sure all the ladies out there know the kind of body type we're all cut out for. Yes, pear shaped is the way we roll down here. The other fact is, I've always been an athlete, and sports have always shaped a bigger part of who I am on the inside rather than the outside.

   Having led an early life where my primary concern revolved around crafting the best possible version of myself (as I have previously elaborated in my earlier posts), I may not have been quite the girl whom boys chased after, but it wasn't long before I started realizing the global female mold that I had to fit myself into.

   Starving myself into alleged diets, measuring my waist line, weighing myself every other hour, only seeing the fat burning potential of sports rather than the pure joy of it... I started being mentally consumed by the notion of my size, regardless of how healthy and fit I was. I have to admit that for around 10 years, I'd had my several ups and downs, but nevertheless, my size and weight remained a criterion of self-evaluation.

   But one day, while I was researching some "media psychology" material for a college assignment, I watched a video that triggered a lot of change. The video explained the curve of female representation in the American commercial sphere, which although may be a little exaggerated than the case in our country, the bare notion still applies.

**for a quick glimpse of what the video discusses, watch this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_FpyGwP3yzE ... or download the entire movie on http://kat.ph/killing-us-softly-3-advertisings-image-of-women-avi-t1428140.html**

   Afterwards, I started seeing how my perception of my body wasn't entirely an accident, and that I was just another female caught in a massive commercial trap. I was only one more piece of wood adding up to the viciousness of the fire.

  What further strengthened that paradigm, is recalling how all the hotshot Egyptian female actresses looked like back in the 60's and 70's, and how they were ALWAYS perceived as, hands down, HOT! So, there you go... it's only a trend, and apparently, it shall pass.

   SO WHY THE HELL AM I FOCUSING THAT MUCH ON SOMETHING THAT'S NOT EVEN CONSISTENT TO THE PUBLIC PERCEPTION?

   Along those mental roller coasters where I was trying to live up to a made-up perfect female figure, I often hated my body; I hated feeling food in my stomach; I hated having to pick clothes from my wardrobe... It was such a sickening feeling.

   But then, as one of my dearest dude friends simply put it, "clothes are only meant to keep you covered. You buy clothes that fit you; you don't fit yourself into your clothes...
"Why, are you poor? Can't you buy new clothes that fit you if your old ones don't any more...?"

   The sad part about all this are the blessings that we seem to forget being thankful for along the way. I have a perfectly healthy body that has endured a lot; how on earth do I not treasure it by making sure that I properly nourish it?

   So, after a hell lot of thinking, and after recognizing that I've been subtly manipulated into the previously stated stance, I very well knew what needed to be done....

I AM FINALLY MAKING PEACE WITH MY BODY
I can't deny that I would be happy to lose weight, but I won't be angry at myself if I gain any!

   I honestly don't now how long I'll be able to stand my ground, but I ask of you to bring me back to this zone should you ever find me drifting again to the self torture zone.

   I am a blessed and healthy woman, and I have a lot of human beauty that lies within which does not abide by billboard standards. Remember that, and keep reminding me of it... for I was born and raised in a fucked up time for humanity.

The Cocooning Snake

  Butterflies. Rainbows and butterflies.

  Young girls. Pink bows and puffed tutus.

  Stuffed ponies and pony tails.

 
  But I never was that kind of girl. As a kid, I ran after elder boys and kicked them in the sheen. I often wore the clothes that no longer fit my brother. I always had my hair tied in a bun. I didn't look like the other Barbie girls. As I grew older into the teen years, I saw the girls sneak their way to the playground where they could spend their break time with their crushes or boyfriends while I steadily made my way to the various student activities which no one seemed to notice ever existed in our school.

  I was tough enough to pinpoint my higher purpose in life back then, and pursued it. No one "saw" me, neither did I make much way for myself to "see" anyone.

  Many years later, along came a frog whose croak bore magic.
"What animal would you think I would be?" I asked the frog, "what animal would you say inspires me?"

  I knew it would never reply similarly to the thoughts lingering in my head, for it's quite an unusual thought for normal people that girls aspire to lead the life of a snake.

****

  Snakes. An entity of muscles and strength. Feared by all. Respected by all.

  Emotions of a snake? Rarely ever the first impression to be remembered for, despite its genuine existence.

  Yet everyone seems to forget that snakes don't bite unless threatened.

   "A butterfly," the frog answered my question. "You're peaceful, tiny and you appreciate nature" replied the frog to my sarcastic dissent.

  But it wasn't just dissent, it was the disdain. A snake faces threat, whereas a butterfly just flutters its way away from trouble. Everyone admires a butterfly for its pretty colours, regardless of its slimy past. But a snake has to lead its life only noticed when feared, always sought to be killed, never to be embraced.

  In any normal case, the snake would just eat the frog, but this particular frog's croak simply hypnotized the snake. It was like a sedative that assured the snake it was not under threat. Although the snake feared not the frog would hurt it, neither did it want to hurt the frog, there was a sudden feeling of restlessness that disturbed the snake most.

  "A butterfly!" Could I truly be?
  For the first time, the snake had to choose between its strength and poise, and the chance to let loose and flutter off into the carefree butterfly world.

 Except, what would a snake turn into if it chooses to enter the cocoon?!

Why Can't a Girl Propose? (Arranged Marriage Scenario)

**Scenarios #1 and #3 are mentioned in the previous post**

Scenario #2: Arranged Marriages….


Friend
Okay, there's the more traditional way which is arranged marriages "جواز صالونات" where a girl's father walks up to my father, and discusses this matter with him.
Quite frankly, I will be repulsed from the girl even before I meet her

Me
And what if after meeting her, you find that she's not as you expected
I don't mind the primary reaction, because I'd do so
But if the "arranged" method brings in someone who's like... HAAAAAALLLEJAH, I WOULD change my mind!

Friend
You see, the thing is, for someone to do so, she would probably be dealing with low self esteem for her father to treat her like a commodity and quite frankly, I've had enough dealing with psychological issues!
And it's a long shot for this to happen, but if the hallelujah moment comes, I think I'd have to fiercely talk myself into it to accept it

Me
WHOA WHOA WHOA.... father treating her like a commodity? THAT IS A HORRIBLE VIEW!!

Friend
Horrible but true, because what he's doing is offering her as a product for someone else to buy.

Me
Of course not... with all due respect, that is BULL SHIT!
If she's FORCED into it, okay, treat the scenario as you wish
Bas what he's doing is trying to find her someone he'd feel safe to give his daughter away to
So he finds someone who's suitable, and whose family is as well
And he suggests him as an option...
They see if the kids would get along or not
They either agree or they don't
How on earth is that treating her like a commodity??
You have got to hear my father talking about "giving me away" one day...
Sane fathers don't think like you believe they do!!

Friend
Sane fathers! We don't have that many sane fathers!

Me
What I mean to say, if my father takes the initiative, and goes to my crush's father to make way for me meeting the guy... HELL, HE'D BE THE WORLD'S MOST KICK ASS FATHER EVER
And I believe we have many of those fathers, but we always prefer to prejudice against our parents

Friend
Okay, hold on a second, he's not a crush
Your father goes to his friend, for example, who has a son and you two never met
And he decides to hook you up with him.
But if we consider the 'crush' scenario, the 'freaking out' level may drop a bit!
It would be still there, but most definitely a lot less

Me
Yeah... but yet again, it's like when we were kids, and we'd refuse to eat something we'd never tasted before, claiming that we don't like it

Friend
I don't think you can make such comparisons.
I'm not convinced for a reason; sometimes you rush things over a bit because the parents are conservative, and they want to get their daughter married; then they give time for the relationship to develop after marriage!

Me
If you decide to "give it a shot" you can always ask for all the time you need before you "rush into anything"
And then you can choose whether or not you can carry on

Friend
I haven't seen an arranged marriage that goes that way. But I am not the judge of it because I haven't seen many cases. But from experience, arranged marriage = conservative = rushing into things

Me
But then, you're only following a stereotypical image

Friend
True
Let's shift to another context?

Why Can't a Girl Propose?

Why can't a girl propose?

What you are about to read was a conversation between one of my friends and I a couple of days ago. Minimal editing was done to turn the IMing lingo into a proper readable one.... 

Me

Yesterday, I had a very interesting discussion with dad  about the possibility of me one day proposing to a guy, and how to do that!!!!

Friend

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!

WHY would you want to propose in the first place?!

Me

Because I highly find it unfair that I have wait around WAITING for someone to knock our door. What if I find someone whom I believe is a suitable potential husband. What if it doesn't cross his mind to propose... why should I wait there helplessly?

Friend

Hmmm… if it doesn't come to his mind to propose, then why propose to him in the first place men? Someone who isn't even considering the idea…

Me

Those are "what ifs".... But taking the chance makes it a definite truth. It may be a successful trial, and it may blow up in my face. What I can do is conduct enough research before taking a concrete step; but then, guys also never know what the girl's response will be.

So... it's nothing weird that the proposal might be met with rejection.

The Freaking Out Theory…
 

Friend

No, the rejection could come from the girl because she doesn't feel that she's into him or something. However, if you did so, rejection from a guy will probably come from either intimidation or freaking out of the weirdness of this step

Me

Presentation methods may make a difference. I wouldn't tap his shoulder and go like "Hey, I like you, will you marry me?"

More like... drag him into it... then subtly suggest it.

Friend

This is a dating proposal, not marriage!

I think that if he even sensed that's you are proposing in any possible way, he will be freaking out for the aforementioned reasons. 

Me

Okay, let's take you as an example…

If a girl proposes to you... what would you do? And kindly state the kind of social context through which you have previously known her; which means, you'll give me several responses, to several kinds of girls

And be flexible with the imagination; don't tell me you'll freak out from them all!!

Scenario #1: Have been previously dating...

Friend

Okay, let's imagine contexts…

If we have met somewhere, and have been dating for, let's say a year.

While we are having dinner somewhere nice, she would say: "Hey, we have been dating for a while; don't you think we should take our relationship to the next level?" and maybe she could pop the question...

Quite frankly, I wouldn't freak out in that context, because if you have been dating for a year or so, evidently, you will discuss that issue and she happens to take initiative and pop the question

Me

Perfect, that is a context which from the very start was leading to that point

What else....

**Scnario #2: Arranged Marriages was too long… You'll find it in a separate post, if you're interested to read it**

Scenario #3: Acquaintances with no profound social context

Me

Okay, let's say, someone you've known for a while, but never within a close or intimate context... and she decides she likes you, and wants to take a chance on you...

Kinds of approach, and reactions?

Friend

Quite frankly, I won't freak out at all; I would dive into this if I feel the same way about her. I'd say "why not!"

Me

But then... let me ask you this, for it's quite crucial... how would you imagine she'd suggest you getting closer?

Friend

There's a difference between spilling out to a guy that u want to get intimate with him and proposing marriage. BIG DIFFERENCE!

For me, a simple talk over a cup of tea or coffee will do the trick, and she spilling her thoughts to me

Me

Why do you see proposal as a onetime shot...

It's more of a process that may start with a cup of coffee

Friend

There's difference between telling someone you love him and then both of you would see where that it takes you, and going to the person saying I want to marry you!

Me

Where do you think the first scenario leads?? 

That's what I meant by "presentation methods would make a lot of difference"

Friend

The first one was subtle; she was proposing, but she led the way for him to take the initiative

Me

So, a girl meeting you for cup of coffee to tell you that she likes you, and wishes to know you better, on a tighter scope.... sounds fine for you?

Friend

Yeah

Me

So, there is a way after all for a girl to propose 

Friend

Let's say it's a smart way of putting the idea of proposing inside the man's head 

Me

This is a fucked of mental context where one doesn't mind being manipulated, whereas straightforward attitude poses as scary!!!!

"Oh, please play around with my head, but don't ask me right away"

Justification

Friend

LOL!

What is considered a women's thing? Anything that's specially for women?

Me

Giving birth, and breast feeding?

And we would LOVE to see men go through that beautiful experience 

Friend

Hahaha!

I just can't think of any other alternatives that aren't painful

Me

Cooking? House hold?
Also, you are most welcome to join in....

Changing diapers?
Be our guest....

Doing every single thing?
Please be a little sensible, and appreciate it....

Those are women's things....

Friend

What I was going to say is, some things give a man his macho man powers just like women have certain things that give them their feminine powers, and none of them want the other to interfere in them.

Me

You know what gives us feminine power? or at least that's what I think…

To be seen beautiful, inside before outside....

And to be appreciated for our efforts

To be appreciated in general, for who we are...

Friend

The inside thing; sometimes I don't feel like women do know that they must be loved from the inside

And true, I think it's a basic human need to be appreciated for what you do

Me

Maybe some women don't realize that, because that's how the general male society shows their attraction for females....

So, it's subtly embedded that unless you look beautiful/ hot, no one will ever notice you

Friend

That has become an unquestionable notion…

Social context + bad parenting can cause disasters! 

Wrapping things up....

Me

So you see.... I don't like playing victim and all... but societal measures are pretty much screwed up

Friend

Correct….

Me

And I find the relationships arena a place to put up a fight

But the general sphere requires one to do so

The fight becomes one against bent ideas

And shattered standards

Friend

True, but the thing is, you are smart enough to pick your battles

To go all "screw the society and all its standards"

I do believe that there are some things which you are capable of changing and fighting, and some that you can't fight alone

Me

True... but at the end of the day, they're worth fighting for

Chances are you may win or lose

But there's always the middle grounds chance that you may cause influence

Where someone picks up the fight where you stopped

Questioning my Hijab: Faith, or Societal Code?

My first photo wearing the veil

Five years ago (it was the Ramadan kick off of my senior school year), I took the daring and responsibility-packed decision to wear my veil. I have to admit that I never was forced to put it on, although I strongly recall asking my parents five years prior to then to get veiled, and my mom back then strongly refused, saying that I was too young.

Reasons for my Being Veiled….

Although my perception of the veil has greatly changed along those years (and especially most recently, within the past 6-7 months), the one thing that hasn't changed is that I knew back then, and I still know right now, that it definitely is a right call…. But how does it count if one takes the right decision for the wrong reasons?

It was always the fear of God's judgment; they say that once a girl reaches puberty, she must wear her veil; and hence, it seemed to my perception that every passing day without wearing the veil after having reached puberty, was doing something wrong… or in another mental dimension, it seemed to be a continuous counter of accumulative sins.

The other famous sentence used for "religious" motivation is, "what if you die today; what if you never wake up the next morning….wouldn't you regret not doing this, or that?" Magically, as hollow as this sentence is, it has an influence of rushing you into doing things, yet again out of fear, and never out of faith.

And last but not least, is societal/ peer pressure. I was raised in a community were at one point it becomes a default idea that you'll get veiled sooner or later. Not only so, but adding to which the great praise a girl receives when she gets veiled, and the greater dissent she receives when she takes it off.

Summing up all the previously mentioned…. Five years ago, I took the decision to get veiled.

The Five Veiled Years…

That will probably be the shortest paragraph of all, for I can't pinpoint much change. In gratitude to my veil, and out of shame of myself, I recall many times when I stopped myself from doing stuff out of respect for my costume, rather than respect for myself.

I can admit that, although I may not be really bad, but my veil often kept me in line, when I otherwise would have gone astray, even if briefly.

Otherwise, the evolution my life underwent was pretty smooth, interesting, and packed with challenges of all sorts… the interesting kind of challenges.

Questioning my Religion-Oriented Costume…

In an interview I ran for my graduation project magazine, I was talking to a well renowned religion scholar with whom I tackled the issue of our community's religious status along the generations.

It's very noticeable how our society has been shifting for quite a while from true inner faith, to a parade of religious pretences. And I'm not the kind who indulges in wearing fake masks…

Looking back at my entire spiritual track, I never really chose my religion of faith out of knowledge and free will. I don't question my core faith though, but what I truly do question are all the rituals (if that is a correct linguistic reference to عبادات) that I exercise heartlessly, and spiritlessly!!

I take a look at bearded men, or women in Neqab who put on a show of horrible attitudes, and it's very disgraceful how they undermine the religion they represent, and the stereotypical image they create. But how am I any different from those?

I'm a veiled girl who barely knows anything about her religion. I'm a veiled girl who barely keeps up with the 101s of her religion… There's nothing that I do under the name of religion that's full of meaning. How have I satisfied the beginners' level of faith to move on to the next level of showing it off in how I dress?

The Mental Conflict….

THE HYPOCRISY… it's just eating me up inside. I'm only fooling everyone around me with this fake costume. Just the idea that I refer to it as a 'costume' is a DISASTER. It's not a 'costume', it's an esteemed lifestyle. If I can't rise up to which, I'm not worthy of looking like that.

But then, the problem is that the society doesn't find any problem with this gap, because it's become a default look hollow of meaning.

The next killer question is… I lost track as to, why I'm wearing the veil! Is it to please God, my society, or myself? The answer seems logical, but how about application?

So, I do it because it's something God Asks me to do, but I don't think I’m quite eligible for it right now... yet if I take it off while maintaining my good core, I'm still a sinner to the eyes of the society.

The question may then be rephrased to
"Why am I STILL wearing it?"



To Think, or Not to Think...


I have forever embraced a beautiful religion that urges us to never take things for granted, and to always think matters through thoroughly.

That's what I've done; but what if my mental activities lead me down the wrong lane? What if I do something I'm convinced is right, whereas I'm blindly taking the wrong turn?

Come what may... I believe in God's love and forgiveness. Whatever decision I take, I take out of faith in You! I just don't wish to join those who offend their religions. I just want my spiritual connection to be genuine and true.

Not too much to ask, but worthy enough to work hard for :)

My Sound-Proof Bubble

The other day, I was reading a novel about a monk who, after many journeys, decided to settle in a far off monastery. I recall him narrating that within the peaceful premises of the new monastery, he was blessed with peace of mind; he heard no troubling news, although he knew that at the lands where he just came from, trouble was the only thing making headlines.

He chose to NOT KNOW…. And frankly, so have I!

Back in the times of that novel, news traveled by word of mouth, unlike our times where our atmosphere is saturated with all sorts of news fumes which are continuously shoved down our throats. Add to the hyper transfer nature of news, the congestion of news content throughout the past life changing, and path building year and a half.

In a normal scenario, I'd be eager to know all that takes place down the lane of political development; after all, it's my country that's shifting course. Although that was the case with almost everyone I know, it wasn't for me.

For starters, I've often tried to follow up with news to cope with the journalism nature which I'm supposed to fake, because I decided to label myself a journalist… my attempts ALL blew up in my face. When it comes to politics, I just don't relate; I can't properly analyze them due to the scarcity of informational database. I can't build up that database, because there's too much I must know, and the sad keyword, is "must know".

I could never find a personal motive to exert all that effort and time in the database construction, and when I turned my back on it, I didn't miss it. I found my peace of mind away from the political hassle that absorbed everyone else.

But on the other hand, I can't say the wobbly material inside my skull feeds on shit… I do have other interests in life.

Many would argue that everything leads back to politics, and unless we learn enough about them, we may not take the proper decisions for our fields of interest. I wouldn't disagree, but delving into fields of passion teaches me a bit more as I dive deeper.

Yet, I'd say that one of the reasons that drive me away from politics is that they're always changing. The chameleon nature of this field is just not worth the exerted mental effort for me, and I only talk on behalf of myself, whereas helping the poor, the hungry, and others in need is something that may be of different layers, different angles, but doesn't change shape as circumstances take turns.

Once upon a time, I used to be surprised at people who don't follow up with the politics of their country, and those who seclude themselves, but someone once replied in disagreement that "everyone has a PhD in his life", meaning that each of us knows enough about the aspects of interest and influence to their lives.

I may be a journalist, and I will fulfill the calling for which I studied this field, that is to amplify the voices and cries of those who can't get their calls across, but it's up to me at the end of the day to choose how to do that.

I just beg of people not to judge those who choose to seclude themselves in their bubbles, for I’m sure they still do add to their communities. I am one of whom, and I'm not an ignorant parasitic being that lives idly.