My Ego, Alter-Ego, and the Blurred Lines in Between

   Many of us have come across a movie or two where a particular good character has been cloned, and where that clone goes bad. Eventually, there comes the scene when a third party is driven to the sweat-pouring point where they swing the gun back and forth with shaking hands between the good character and the bad clone. The question prevails... which one to take down?

Daughter (band)
Image seemed relevant

    Often when I contemplate my actions, thoughts or beliefs, I take a sweeping glance at the several alter-egos dwelling within, and each of them starts provoking me to put down the rest. So I summon my forehead scratching Inspector Gadget alter-ego, and I start tracing the roots of each bastard within.

   It's quite frustrating to find that often the most active and surfacing alter-egos are those which have rather illusive origins. They barely ever lead to any roots, for they always seem to stem from other people's conclusions, impressions, and probably deceptive alter-egos.

   I'm the kind of person who likes to believe in things and people until concretely proven false, but I keep sinking deeper into a void of disbelief. And the first suspect of fraud is me. 

   Even though I would regard myself a quite confident person who's not likely to have self-esteem issues, but it isn't quite hard to tell that something is wrong. I often convict myself of fraud because my sense of security and achievement is to a great extent a by-product of external approval. If I share my thoughts, I keep an obsessive eye on all the channels where people may complement them. The same happens with basically anything I share.

   Yet, there are the times when I just feel inclined to step away from the herd. There are the times when I intensely feel alienated from everyone. And those times feel the worst because I know that sharing what I feel probably won't be met with a nod of approval. Worse yet, I will probably end up with a label I resent.

   Sue me, but I feel distant the grimmer social media and  mass communications get. I know that there's a lot of ugliness out there. I realize the amount of heart ache humanity has to bear. But I'd rather be joyful about the little good left in this world, because one day, in this life or the one after, all records shall be set straight. Call me a fool, egocentric, or shallow, but I feel alienated from what most people are expressing. And it's frustrating to be gasping for air in a pool of questions on my own.

   As everyone around me 'seems' to understand what's going on, leaving me clueless and the least curious to understand, the only place where I find sanctuary is silence. But little do I realize that in silence is where my insecurities are loudest. To numb them, or silence them -if it's my lucky day-, I then engage in a mindless marathon with the crowd I feel most comfortable with, the one which is least likely to evoke more demons.

   God have mercy on me, for I live in a damned era of corrosive and core-decaying "mass communications" where people have become more outspoken than active; more pretentious than genuine. Where every shred of authenticity in thought, feelings or behavior has fled to sanctuary in silence, or ripped to pieces upon expression. We like to believe we're true, but how much of anything that we do or say is purely honest?

SHE Dudes

   Picture a loud party with, well, a lot of people partying. Do you know that person at the distant corner of the hall just observing and smiling with absurdity? Yippy yay, there you’ve spotted me! That’s my favorite seat at the relationships arena… the silent observer whose contributions are manifested in mockery.

   Sounds pretty pathetic, don’t you think? Why, I beg to disagree…

   Sarcastic female observers have fun differently, because they’ve got their “dudes”, and in return, they become “she-dudes” themselves. While winged eye-liners and pointed high heels (and of course, rich characters!) may crown some girls the shimmering label ‘girlfriend’, the road to being a ‘she-dude’ is paved solely for the hard core.

   Now here’s the fork where girls walk different paths. There are the girly girls (God forbid I become one, الشر برّة و بعيد), and there are the girls who are no less intact with their femininity, but they’d rather high five and punch than hug and blow kisses in the air. I’m not saying either is good or bad, but people naturally have preferences.

   I was the kid who watched G.I. Jane with dropped jaws, and I still am the one who punches and high fives.

   Although girly girls and she-dudes rarely ever share common grounds, it seems unanimously agreed upon that male company is much more fun and interesting than that of females.

Here’s what the GIRLS have to say….

   When I inquired about the reasons making male company more appealing, the majority of replies came in similarly stating that males seem significantly less dramatic, more fun, more willing to take risks, and generally more laid back and chilled.

   Even though the previous seemed almost indisputable, a few girls did some reality check and wound up sharing how some guys can be the most royal of all drama queens. Some others even concluded that it has nothing to do with genders.

   Yet at the end of the day, the facts to most girls imply otherwise.

   But hey, guys pretty much have a say, too. Even if they are courteous enough not to embarrass girls and ask them to back off, how much are they actually okay with female presence in a casual manner? And most crucially, are ‘she-dudes’ a truth or a myth?

Here’s what the BOYS have to say…

   What came off as good news to me is that the guys who responded ascertained that certain girls can indeed become ‘she-dudes’. Not only is it a truth, but also a social bond that comes in handy to a lot of guys. As one of my dudes put it, “most guys, like myself, can't understand the way a girly girl's brain functions. So you always end misinterpreted. You might even end up offending her or making her feel uncomfortable without even having the slightest idea!! On the other hand, girl dudes think like dudes (or at least know how dudes think) so it's very easy to have a conversation with one of them.”

   In addition to ‘she-dudes’ being a rather functional intermediary  between the masculine and feminine worlds, at a certain level they become a safety zone for the guys to confide in them. Although this is more of a personal conclusion, I believe ‘she-dudes’ are quite practical to converse with, and especially when it comes to personal matters. They’re logical and analytical listeners who balance out matter by incorporating emotional intelligence (which might often be undermined by the dudes). “However, it is much more common for girls to completely confide in a guy which results in the phenomenon known as having a "gay" friend,” added one of my friends.

What’s the Catch, then?

   Obviously, this social sphere seems like a win-win situation; tough girls get to freely be themselves away from the clichés and drama, while the guys get their free ticket to understanding this mystifying female world. Yet what grants girls access to this obscene harsh manly world?

   “We absolutely have no problem with a girl entering "دائرتنا الذكورية" (our masculine circle) as long as she can handle it.” And that’s that!

A Few Obstacles along the Way

   Seems like a perfect case scenario, don’t you think? Too perfect to be fully truly though. Here are some loopholes my friends have encountered…

   “From what I see, some guys don't like having girls as dudes because it's a matter of perspective mainly, being that girls are girls and boys can't share certain stuff with them girls because they won't understand that.”

   And to some others, shared content wasn’t the only issue. “I don't think that such friendship can last for long considering societal and communal constrains and stuff like that.”

   As the conversation drifted to that perspective, it seemed logical that with “girls being girls, and boys being boys”, such affection would naturally be translated into more intimate emotions, which leads my friend to the conclusion that a girl becomes a ‘she-dude’ “if there is a conclusive and reasonable explanation making it impossible for our friendship to turn into a relationship.”

My Personal Take

   I know that no social relationship will ever truly fulfill our desire for having the significant other who comes along with a lot of bullshit, yet manages to make our lives complete. Whether or not I’ll manage to keep my ‘dudes’ if my significant other comes along some day, I don’t quite know. But until then, I want to give you all virtual squishy hugs (err, I mean high-fives) because you have added so many layers of value, excitement and safety to my life. I honor that your keenness and blunt honesty have brought me closer to realizing much about myself. And last but not least, thank you for letting me in دائرتكم الذكورية! *screams “SEXISTS”*

Peace Out!

5 Things Jogging Taught Me

  I've always been attached to sports for as long as I can remember. Never quite the athlete, but it’s always been part of who I am.

  Of all the sports I've tried, track and field was the one I spent the most years practicing. Needless to say, as previously mentioned, I was more of the team member who cheered rather than scored! But, it was fine by me.

  I may have never returned with a medal or a trophy (for SEVEN goddamn years!), but the psychological impact it left was much grander than any medal could leave.

  Briefly put, that’s what the track has subliminally taught me.

Set your eyes on the finish line

  It’s quite important to know where you’re headed, and what you want to achieve. If you just aimlessly go with the flow, you’ll always settle for less, and you’ll quit trying at the first glimpse of fatigue.

  You may not always reach the desired end goal, but the presence of one makes you go an extra mile.

People set different goals; just stick to YOURS

  It’s inevitable as you jog to notice how many people may be rushing past you. It may kind of bring you down, but there may be some other considerations to bear in mind.

 

  Even though joggers may all be doing the same thing, more or less, but they do it differently. Some people jog faster, but cross less laps. Others take it nice and slow, and aim at crossing a further distance.

  And even those who perform much better than you, are most likely to have worked much harder than you have. So give them credit for that!

  Bottom line, the more you occupy yourself with others, the more you’ll find yourself forced under uncomfortable pressure that simply leads you nowhere!

The grave need to understand yourself

  One of my jogger friends once told me that one key to longer distance jogging is choosing a comfortable pace that I can keep up with for long. As I did so, I was surprised by the outcome. But isn’t that key to a lot of changes we pursue on life? The need for sustainable choices?

  Another reason why it’s quite important to understand yourself is that there’s a fine line between the extra mile that will make you, or break you. It’s quite admirable to face challenges with enthusiasm and confidence, but it’s also very important to know when to stop, and when to carry on.

As long as you’re not quitting, you’re not failing

  It’s okay if you’re out of shape, and it’s okay if you’re not as good as you used to be. You just need to realize that most probably, you won’t reach the desired goal at the first shot. It’s also true that you won’t be able to reach it until you try… and keep trying!

  Along the journey of trying to score the desired goal, or even yet setting a new one, you need to acknowledge your need for rest. Sometimes giving yourself the proper rest at the right time is what helps you go the distance. You’re human!

 If you’re not performing well, you probably have the wrong playlist on

  … and by ‘playlist’, I mean all sorts of external stimuli. Don’t underestimate the impact and quality of energies you surround yourself with, be it opinions you accredit, activities you immerse yourself in… etc. You name it!

Stop using stationary bikes and treadmills, and cycle or jog out in the open!

  It’s quite dumb; all you do is look at yourself in the mirror as you go nowhere. I honestly have no further comments in that regard!

ps, I did not miscount. Obviously, this is not a learnt lesson. Just something I had to get off my chest.

A Company that beats all Butts; KIDS!

 

   It's been a while since I was last at a social gathering where I felt so out of place and alone despite the crowd that surrounded me. Just like bullies who are fond of picking fights, my brain loves taking advantage of minor incidents to squeeze my phyche and dwell on deeper thoughts.

   Mentioning this is basically stating the obvious, but we all know how we are highly influenced by the people we spend most of our time with. For the past 7 months, I have been spending 6 hours/day, 5 days/week with 3-year-olds, and I'm starting to believe that the influence they have on me is much greater than any influence I may have on them.

   The following are merely the crust reasons why the company of children seems to be more enriching than any I've ever been surrounded with, and why I seem to feel more alienated among adults.

The gecko we found in class

   Life never fails to feel like an adventure. Most of those who know me would also know how I'm a adrenaline junkie who's constantly in pursuit of 'an edge', something to give me a thrill. For someone whose knowledge of the world is barely starting to form, anything can be adventure if you choose to present it as one. It can be an adventure to spot a fat juicy spider in the garden, or to keep chasing after the rabbit which seems to really hate those kids, or to find a massive gecko joining our class time. It can also be introducing far off places and concepts to them, like the savanna, or space. And the most rewarding part of this adventure is the sparkle you see in their eyes.

   They are a perfect place to invest your emotions; it always pays off. Emotions, and love in particular, are such valuable assets that require careful handling. Some of us have been through heart aching situations where the people we chose to put faith in just didn't have equal faith in us. That's almost never the case with kids (and I add 'almost' because I don't like generalizing, not that I have concrete evidence against this fact). Giving love to a child, even if you force yourself to fake it, can literally turn his/her life around. And when you see how grateful kids are for the love you give them, you just find yourself trapped with no other option but to love them even more. It's an ever growing spiral of love, unless you choose to hinder it, or overlook it.

   When they say something, they mean it. Yes, I brag about getting the chance to deal with the only fragment of human race that does not yet know hypocrisy. When you're around adults, you exert a lot of effort to decode everything. What did they actually mean by saying this? Why did they actually do that? There always seems to be a hidden code, one that is more true than what we see. Kids don't have those levels. They're a company where what you see is what you get. They neither know how to fake things, nor how to hide how they actually feel. And this makes life a hell lot easier, and much much more genuine. I get called "YOU ARE SHIT!" (of course, it's more amusing in the Arabic version "انتى ككّا") , and I also get the greatest amount of heart felt hugs and kisses I have ever got in a lifetime. And I love them both equally, because even when I'm called shit, I know that there's a substantial amount of anger than needs to be addressed, and that once it's talked through, no grudges are held.

   A non-judgmental zone the way non-judgmental should truly be. There isn't much to say here, other than that they are blessed with not knowing as many criteria of judgment as we have been taught throughout life. The only thing they know how to judge upon is whether you treat them with love and respect or not.

   You would imagine that with whatever experience I have gained in 22 years, there's so much that I have to teach those kids, but I guess it is precisely because of whatever experience I have had in those 22 years that those kids are the ones who have a lot they can teach me. I walk in there every day aware of what I would like to teach them, but they walk in there every day unaware of the amount of life they kick into my soul.

   Of this I'm quite sure, that I'll need an immense amount of social rehabilitation the day I quit this job to carry on exploring.

Conversation with a Bearded Taxi Driver

The driver mentioned had a much denser beard (archive photo)

Such a hypocritical world that we live in, where freedom of expression is called for at the top of the lungs, and walls of stereotypes rise faster, taller and stronger than ever. Beyond those walls is where social life grows in richness and vividness.

Back in my college days, I spent a hell lot of time commuting across the vast and crowded streets of Cairo, with no one keeping me company but my music player. One day, as I stood at the side of the road to stop a taxi, fate brought my way one of the many bearded taxi drivers of Cairo. In a perfect stereotypical world of which I am a citizen, that man would be categorized as first class Islamist, with fanatic ideologies.

"What are you listening to?" was the first thing he asked to initiate conversation. At that moment, my music player seemed like an enemy that was about to get bombarded with criticism for the music it holds, and how I'd rather be listening to Qur'an rather than music.

To my surprise, the driver instead started inquiring about the various foreign music genres, and which among them did I enjoy most. But nothing can beat that moment when he started talking about ‘that young Canadian boy’ who has grown very popular; next thing I know, we're discussing Justin Bieber and the commercial music industry!

Having expressed my dislike for the shallow and hollow content of the commercial music sweeping the streets, he turned in surprise to ask, "You don't listen to love songs, and romantic ones?" My reply in negative seemed to naturally push him to advise me to "live your femininity; you're a girl!"

"Teenagers and youth are taking it way too seriously these days," he replied to my inclination towards favouring local bands who tackled serious issues through their music over the previously mentioned musical content.

How I really wished that my destination was a little farther, for I was quite enthused to hear more about what music was like for him back in the days 'when MJ was still a rising star.'

I may have encountered many bearded men apart from this gentleman who have left a negative impression, one that I falsely applied to all who embraced the same visage. It's sad that I may have avoided a conversation with this very interesting gentleman because of acts that he did not commit.

We've been created with differences so that we would get to know each other, rather than group up with everyone who looks and sounds alike, for then... the world becomes what it is right now!

Detached Emotional Thoughts

   I guess everyone is entitled to one detached emotional blog post every once in a while. So here's my share of unplanned sharing of thoughts and emotions.

   We all watch all sorts of emotions-packed movies all the time, but I suppose when "nature" has its way of kicking in some hypersensitivity into your system, those movies tend to have a somewhat stronger effect on you. I guess I just tripped over the right trigger...

Detached Thought 1...
Death of Loved Ones

   Obviously the movie I was watching revolved around expecting death, and getting to pick a quality of life, or the remainder of it. But that's not what brought tears to my eyes; it was this scene of family and friends gathered around the bed where the soon-to-pass-away girl laid. It reminded me of the time when I used to visit my grandpa and read him all sorts of stuff to entertain him as the times he spent in bed started to grow longer.

   It's one of those memories that bring both a tear and a smile to my heart. You see, when I was a little kid, back then when I used to sleep over at my grandparents a lot, my grandpa always used to read me prophets' stories to sleep.  As I grew older, I always had this urge to express how much I love him while I still could. So I thought why not read him the same stories that he used to read me. The only problem was, the tome of stories I had was the children's version. I recall that day when he requested the story of a prophet who was old and ill, but Allah cured him; it took me no longer than 5-10 mins to read it, and then he looked up at me, and said, "that's it?!" I honestly couldn't confront him that I was reading him the children's versions!!

   The joy that brightened up my heart when I would read him something that would make him laugh is simply indescribable... The days when I would head straight from college to the hospital... The times when I would make sure he was asleep just to cry in the corner of the room.

   I really really miss this amazing man, and the warmth that his love brought this big family. But at least it comforts me to know that I tried all my best to let him know how much I love him.

   May your soul rest in peace :)

Detached Thought 2...
The Marvel and Magnitude of Human Emotions

   Back to the movie... It's a typical Hollywood movie where the drama revolves around an axis of romance. And yet again, me being in that mysterious emotional state made me quite vulnerable to picking up signs, especially those of emotional nature.

   All of those who know me well enough know that I'm a person who cherishes hugs; sometimes one needn't say anything. Watching this movie just made me think how holding someone's hand, or giving someone a hug is a means of giving them a portion of your emotions, of your energy for love and comfort, of yourself.

   I think it's time I confessed this, but one of the things that make me quite happy about being a preschool teacher is the free flow of emotions, and the amount of hugs and kisses one gives and receives everyday. Working with children has certainly transformed my definition and view of love. You know that kick one gets when the one they love finally notices them? That's what I feel when my relationship with any of those 3-year-olds develops and I start seeing the happiness on their faces when they see me. It is such a comfort to know that I have captured the heart of an innocent soul.
 
   I'm in this habit of saturating most of them with hugs and kisses whenever I can, and kissing their little fluffy hands is just my way of telling them that they are such precious beings. Just today, one of the girls was holding my hand, and out of nowhere, I found her kissing mine! I cannot describe what that made me feel like. I told you, a preschool is quite a place to be. They simply transformed what love means to me!


   Usually, in order to present a blog post to the very limited readers of this pathetic blog, my thoughts go through a prolonged process of brainstorming, filtering and arranging thoughts, linguistic refining, and then sharing it. This post has gone through NONE of the previous, hence it's quite obvious to say that I have no thoughts to conclude what I have written...

   Just... Spread the love, I guess :)

If you're mind f***ed and you know it, say "Hurray"!!

"It seems as if our entire generation needs psychiatric help!" my friend noted as we discussed what some of our friends are going through.

A misconception that series and movies have implanted in our heads is that the more drama you have in your life, the more sympathetic people will be with you. Snap out of it يا روح قلب ماما. That only goes as far as movies! You see, in real life, if you have a lot of drama, some kind hearted people may offer you a helping hand to assist you with picking yourself up... but just like anyone who exerts a lot of effort with them barely paying off, they will be repelled and discouraged to carry on at one point or another.

Thing is, efforts paying off don't necessarily mean that you'll poop rainbows and butterflies overnight. An altered perspective that upholds more positivity would certainly show will for a brighter change.

Often do we undermine the way we address ourselves. As a journalism graduate, I very well know how the choice of one word over the other can ignite riots, and this applies similarly to how your mind converses with you. For instance, if your mind tells you "I'll do my best...," well, how far does "your best" get you? Does it get you all the way? 

Now, try instead to say "I'll keep on going, and I shall do whatever it takes to get to the finish line." Do think there would be difference in how you act accordingly?

Of Graduation and Frustration

All through our years of education, it feels as if we're walking through a dark tunnel with a white light at its end, and the more we proceed, the brighter matters seem to get; but the light is it too bright that it prevents us from seeing what truly lies beyond the tunnel. Yet, we feel very hopeful about reached the light.

Self Portrait by Nourhan Refaat

Hallelujah, you throw your graduation cap into the air, and you're now on the verge of exploring what lies ahead, only to find yourself standing on a slope where you only have either of two options; you can either carry the weight of the world on your shoulders and roll down the hill, or take a deep breath, acknowledge the difficulty of the situation, but summon up all the powers you have within to start climbing up the steep hill.

I know how awful it may feel to have lost all sense of security as your lifetime plan starts to dissolve before you. It's not the prettiest feeling to have to acknowledge that reality isn't as you have expected it to be, but remember that you always... ALWAYS... have an option. Where you go from there is YOUR CHOICE, and yours alone, and it's primarily you who bears up with the consequences. You can either slowly sink as you mourn your life away, or you can be realistic and man enough to embrace life with whatever it brings your way, while working out a way to make the best out of it.

Push the Happy Button

Until a year ago, before I graduated, my friends had always referred to me as a life lover, and sometimes even an inspiration. Where I stand right now, my self image seems to have lost its shiny sparkle that gave people hope; that gave ME hope! I know that for someone who has been through real shit to read about an almost fresh graduate expressing her mind so dimly would only bring them to tears of laughter, and I'm sure that one day when I'm old enough to have had my share of real shit, I will be laughing about what I'm writing right now. But nevertheless, this counts!

In many years, you may not vividly recall the intensity of a harsh phase you were going through, but it's how you deal with them now that would either lead to you locking them up in history, or carrying on to endure them all the way till then.

I don't want to blame what I'm going through on a job that I claim sucked the life out of me, or anyone in my life, because the choice to be happy is MINE, and mine alone!

Action is what I am supposed to do. Happy action. Tweaking my thoughts down the happy lane, and acting upon which.

I know I need to play sports. I know I need to allocate more time for reading and writing. I know I have the time for them, but I need to put that time to better use.

I hope though that I won't be another hypocrite who fakes happy thoughts, and goes to sleep with a weighed down spirit and heart.

I owe it to myself to be happy and bright, and I owe it to every person who once considered me an inspiration in one way or another.

You, too, owe it to yourself!

Mourning won't bring back anything. So chill, and BE HAPPY! 

If you agree with the previous, why don't you share your ideas on picking oneself up, and maintaining a bright perspective on life?