Why Can't a Girl Propose? (Arranged Marriage Scenario)

**Scenarios #1 and #3 are mentioned in the previous post**

Scenario #2: Arranged Marriages….


Friend
Okay, there's the more traditional way which is arranged marriages "جواز صالونات" where a girl's father walks up to my father, and discusses this matter with him.
Quite frankly, I will be repulsed from the girl even before I meet her

Me
And what if after meeting her, you find that she's not as you expected
I don't mind the primary reaction, because I'd do so
But if the "arranged" method brings in someone who's like... HAAAAAALLLEJAH, I WOULD change my mind!

Friend
You see, the thing is, for someone to do so, she would probably be dealing with low self esteem for her father to treat her like a commodity and quite frankly, I've had enough dealing with psychological issues!
And it's a long shot for this to happen, but if the hallelujah moment comes, I think I'd have to fiercely talk myself into it to accept it

Me
WHOA WHOA WHOA.... father treating her like a commodity? THAT IS A HORRIBLE VIEW!!

Friend
Horrible but true, because what he's doing is offering her as a product for someone else to buy.

Me
Of course not... with all due respect, that is BULL SHIT!
If she's FORCED into it, okay, treat the scenario as you wish
Bas what he's doing is trying to find her someone he'd feel safe to give his daughter away to
So he finds someone who's suitable, and whose family is as well
And he suggests him as an option...
They see if the kids would get along or not
They either agree or they don't
How on earth is that treating her like a commodity??
You have got to hear my father talking about "giving me away" one day...
Sane fathers don't think like you believe they do!!

Friend
Sane fathers! We don't have that many sane fathers!

Me
What I mean to say, if my father takes the initiative, and goes to my crush's father to make way for me meeting the guy... HELL, HE'D BE THE WORLD'S MOST KICK ASS FATHER EVER
And I believe we have many of those fathers, but we always prefer to prejudice against our parents

Friend
Okay, hold on a second, he's not a crush
Your father goes to his friend, for example, who has a son and you two never met
And he decides to hook you up with him.
But if we consider the 'crush' scenario, the 'freaking out' level may drop a bit!
It would be still there, but most definitely a lot less

Me
Yeah... but yet again, it's like when we were kids, and we'd refuse to eat something we'd never tasted before, claiming that we don't like it

Friend
I don't think you can make such comparisons.
I'm not convinced for a reason; sometimes you rush things over a bit because the parents are conservative, and they want to get their daughter married; then they give time for the relationship to develop after marriage!

Me
If you decide to "give it a shot" you can always ask for all the time you need before you "rush into anything"
And then you can choose whether or not you can carry on

Friend
I haven't seen an arranged marriage that goes that way. But I am not the judge of it because I haven't seen many cases. But from experience, arranged marriage = conservative = rushing into things

Me
But then, you're only following a stereotypical image

Friend
True
Let's shift to another context?

Why Can't a Girl Propose?

Why can't a girl propose?

What you are about to read was a conversation between one of my friends and I a couple of days ago. Minimal editing was done to turn the IMing lingo into a proper readable one.... 

Me

Yesterday, I had a very interesting discussion with dad  about the possibility of me one day proposing to a guy, and how to do that!!!!

Friend

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA!!

WHY would you want to propose in the first place?!

Me

Because I highly find it unfair that I have wait around WAITING for someone to knock our door. What if I find someone whom I believe is a suitable potential husband. What if it doesn't cross his mind to propose... why should I wait there helplessly?

Friend

Hmmm… if it doesn't come to his mind to propose, then why propose to him in the first place men? Someone who isn't even considering the idea…

Me

Those are "what ifs".... But taking the chance makes it a definite truth. It may be a successful trial, and it may blow up in my face. What I can do is conduct enough research before taking a concrete step; but then, guys also never know what the girl's response will be.

So... it's nothing weird that the proposal might be met with rejection.

The Freaking Out Theory…
 

Friend

No, the rejection could come from the girl because she doesn't feel that she's into him or something. However, if you did so, rejection from a guy will probably come from either intimidation or freaking out of the weirdness of this step

Me

Presentation methods may make a difference. I wouldn't tap his shoulder and go like "Hey, I like you, will you marry me?"

More like... drag him into it... then subtly suggest it.

Friend

This is a dating proposal, not marriage!

I think that if he even sensed that's you are proposing in any possible way, he will be freaking out for the aforementioned reasons. 

Me

Okay, let's take you as an example…

If a girl proposes to you... what would you do? And kindly state the kind of social context through which you have previously known her; which means, you'll give me several responses, to several kinds of girls

And be flexible with the imagination; don't tell me you'll freak out from them all!!

Scenario #1: Have been previously dating...

Friend

Okay, let's imagine contexts…

If we have met somewhere, and have been dating for, let's say a year.

While we are having dinner somewhere nice, she would say: "Hey, we have been dating for a while; don't you think we should take our relationship to the next level?" and maybe she could pop the question...

Quite frankly, I wouldn't freak out in that context, because if you have been dating for a year or so, evidently, you will discuss that issue and she happens to take initiative and pop the question

Me

Perfect, that is a context which from the very start was leading to that point

What else....

**Scnario #2: Arranged Marriages was too long… You'll find it in a separate post, if you're interested to read it**

Scenario #3: Acquaintances with no profound social context

Me

Okay, let's say, someone you've known for a while, but never within a close or intimate context... and she decides she likes you, and wants to take a chance on you...

Kinds of approach, and reactions?

Friend

Quite frankly, I won't freak out at all; I would dive into this if I feel the same way about her. I'd say "why not!"

Me

But then... let me ask you this, for it's quite crucial... how would you imagine she'd suggest you getting closer?

Friend

There's a difference between spilling out to a guy that u want to get intimate with him and proposing marriage. BIG DIFFERENCE!

For me, a simple talk over a cup of tea or coffee will do the trick, and she spilling her thoughts to me

Me

Why do you see proposal as a onetime shot...

It's more of a process that may start with a cup of coffee

Friend

There's difference between telling someone you love him and then both of you would see where that it takes you, and going to the person saying I want to marry you!

Me

Where do you think the first scenario leads?? 

That's what I meant by "presentation methods would make a lot of difference"

Friend

The first one was subtle; she was proposing, but she led the way for him to take the initiative

Me

So, a girl meeting you for cup of coffee to tell you that she likes you, and wishes to know you better, on a tighter scope.... sounds fine for you?

Friend

Yeah

Me

So, there is a way after all for a girl to propose 

Friend

Let's say it's a smart way of putting the idea of proposing inside the man's head 

Me

This is a fucked of mental context where one doesn't mind being manipulated, whereas straightforward attitude poses as scary!!!!

"Oh, please play around with my head, but don't ask me right away"

Justification

Friend

LOL!

What is considered a women's thing? Anything that's specially for women?

Me

Giving birth, and breast feeding?

And we would LOVE to see men go through that beautiful experience 

Friend

Hahaha!

I just can't think of any other alternatives that aren't painful

Me

Cooking? House hold?
Also, you are most welcome to join in....

Changing diapers?
Be our guest....

Doing every single thing?
Please be a little sensible, and appreciate it....

Those are women's things....

Friend

What I was going to say is, some things give a man his macho man powers just like women have certain things that give them their feminine powers, and none of them want the other to interfere in them.

Me

You know what gives us feminine power? or at least that's what I think…

To be seen beautiful, inside before outside....

And to be appreciated for our efforts

To be appreciated in general, for who we are...

Friend

The inside thing; sometimes I don't feel like women do know that they must be loved from the inside

And true, I think it's a basic human need to be appreciated for what you do

Me

Maybe some women don't realize that, because that's how the general male society shows their attraction for females....

So, it's subtly embedded that unless you look beautiful/ hot, no one will ever notice you

Friend

That has become an unquestionable notion…

Social context + bad parenting can cause disasters! 

Wrapping things up....

Me

So you see.... I don't like playing victim and all... but societal measures are pretty much screwed up

Friend

Correct….

Me

And I find the relationships arena a place to put up a fight

But the general sphere requires one to do so

The fight becomes one against bent ideas

And shattered standards

Friend

True, but the thing is, you are smart enough to pick your battles

To go all "screw the society and all its standards"

I do believe that there are some things which you are capable of changing and fighting, and some that you can't fight alone

Me

True... but at the end of the day, they're worth fighting for

Chances are you may win or lose

But there's always the middle grounds chance that you may cause influence

Where someone picks up the fight where you stopped

Questioning my Hijab: Faith, or Societal Code?

My first photo wearing the veil

Five years ago (it was the Ramadan kick off of my senior school year), I took the daring and responsibility-packed decision to wear my veil. I have to admit that I never was forced to put it on, although I strongly recall asking my parents five years prior to then to get veiled, and my mom back then strongly refused, saying that I was too young.

Reasons for my Being Veiled….

Although my perception of the veil has greatly changed along those years (and especially most recently, within the past 6-7 months), the one thing that hasn't changed is that I knew back then, and I still know right now, that it definitely is a right call…. But how does it count if one takes the right decision for the wrong reasons?

It was always the fear of God's judgment; they say that once a girl reaches puberty, she must wear her veil; and hence, it seemed to my perception that every passing day without wearing the veil after having reached puberty, was doing something wrong… or in another mental dimension, it seemed to be a continuous counter of accumulative sins.

The other famous sentence used for "religious" motivation is, "what if you die today; what if you never wake up the next morning….wouldn't you regret not doing this, or that?" Magically, as hollow as this sentence is, it has an influence of rushing you into doing things, yet again out of fear, and never out of faith.

And last but not least, is societal/ peer pressure. I was raised in a community were at one point it becomes a default idea that you'll get veiled sooner or later. Not only so, but adding to which the great praise a girl receives when she gets veiled, and the greater dissent she receives when she takes it off.

Summing up all the previously mentioned…. Five years ago, I took the decision to get veiled.

The Five Veiled Years…

That will probably be the shortest paragraph of all, for I can't pinpoint much change. In gratitude to my veil, and out of shame of myself, I recall many times when I stopped myself from doing stuff out of respect for my costume, rather than respect for myself.

I can admit that, although I may not be really bad, but my veil often kept me in line, when I otherwise would have gone astray, even if briefly.

Otherwise, the evolution my life underwent was pretty smooth, interesting, and packed with challenges of all sorts… the interesting kind of challenges.

Questioning my Religion-Oriented Costume…

In an interview I ran for my graduation project magazine, I was talking to a well renowned religion scholar with whom I tackled the issue of our community's religious status along the generations.

It's very noticeable how our society has been shifting for quite a while from true inner faith, to a parade of religious pretences. And I'm not the kind who indulges in wearing fake masks…

Looking back at my entire spiritual track, I never really chose my religion of faith out of knowledge and free will. I don't question my core faith though, but what I truly do question are all the rituals (if that is a correct linguistic reference to عبادات) that I exercise heartlessly, and spiritlessly!!

I take a look at bearded men, or women in Neqab who put on a show of horrible attitudes, and it's very disgraceful how they undermine the religion they represent, and the stereotypical image they create. But how am I any different from those?

I'm a veiled girl who barely knows anything about her religion. I'm a veiled girl who barely keeps up with the 101s of her religion… There's nothing that I do under the name of religion that's full of meaning. How have I satisfied the beginners' level of faith to move on to the next level of showing it off in how I dress?

The Mental Conflict….

THE HYPOCRISY… it's just eating me up inside. I'm only fooling everyone around me with this fake costume. Just the idea that I refer to it as a 'costume' is a DISASTER. It's not a 'costume', it's an esteemed lifestyle. If I can't rise up to which, I'm not worthy of looking like that.

But then, the problem is that the society doesn't find any problem with this gap, because it's become a default look hollow of meaning.

The next killer question is… I lost track as to, why I'm wearing the veil! Is it to please God, my society, or myself? The answer seems logical, but how about application?

So, I do it because it's something God Asks me to do, but I don't think I’m quite eligible for it right now... yet if I take it off while maintaining my good core, I'm still a sinner to the eyes of the society.

The question may then be rephrased to
"Why am I STILL wearing it?"



To Think, or Not to Think...


I have forever embraced a beautiful religion that urges us to never take things for granted, and to always think matters through thoroughly.

That's what I've done; but what if my mental activities lead me down the wrong lane? What if I do something I'm convinced is right, whereas I'm blindly taking the wrong turn?

Come what may... I believe in God's love and forgiveness. Whatever decision I take, I take out of faith in You! I just don't wish to join those who offend their religions. I just want my spiritual connection to be genuine and true.

Not too much to ask, but worthy enough to work hard for :)

My Sound-Proof Bubble

The other day, I was reading a novel about a monk who, after many journeys, decided to settle in a far off monastery. I recall him narrating that within the peaceful premises of the new monastery, he was blessed with peace of mind; he heard no troubling news, although he knew that at the lands where he just came from, trouble was the only thing making headlines.

He chose to NOT KNOW…. And frankly, so have I!

Back in the times of that novel, news traveled by word of mouth, unlike our times where our atmosphere is saturated with all sorts of news fumes which are continuously shoved down our throats. Add to the hyper transfer nature of news, the congestion of news content throughout the past life changing, and path building year and a half.

In a normal scenario, I'd be eager to know all that takes place down the lane of political development; after all, it's my country that's shifting course. Although that was the case with almost everyone I know, it wasn't for me.

For starters, I've often tried to follow up with news to cope with the journalism nature which I'm supposed to fake, because I decided to label myself a journalist… my attempts ALL blew up in my face. When it comes to politics, I just don't relate; I can't properly analyze them due to the scarcity of informational database. I can't build up that database, because there's too much I must know, and the sad keyword, is "must know".

I could never find a personal motive to exert all that effort and time in the database construction, and when I turned my back on it, I didn't miss it. I found my peace of mind away from the political hassle that absorbed everyone else.

But on the other hand, I can't say the wobbly material inside my skull feeds on shit… I do have other interests in life.

Many would argue that everything leads back to politics, and unless we learn enough about them, we may not take the proper decisions for our fields of interest. I wouldn't disagree, but delving into fields of passion teaches me a bit more as I dive deeper.

Yet, I'd say that one of the reasons that drive me away from politics is that they're always changing. The chameleon nature of this field is just not worth the exerted mental effort for me, and I only talk on behalf of myself, whereas helping the poor, the hungry, and others in need is something that may be of different layers, different angles, but doesn't change shape as circumstances take turns.

Once upon a time, I used to be surprised at people who don't follow up with the politics of their country, and those who seclude themselves, but someone once replied in disagreement that "everyone has a PhD in his life", meaning that each of us knows enough about the aspects of interest and influence to their lives.

I may be a journalist, and I will fulfill the calling for which I studied this field, that is to amplify the voices and cries of those who can't get their calls across, but it's up to me at the end of the day to choose how to do that.

I just beg of people not to judge those who choose to seclude themselves in their bubbles, for I’m sure they still do add to their communities. I am one of whom, and I'm not an ignorant parasitic being that lives idly.  

The Job Extremes

For those unaware of this fact, I'm a journalism student on the verge of graduation, and also on the verge of starting a real life (add to those insanity, too).

Apart from the allegedly named 'educational system', I've been trying to secure some real life education for myself through engaging in different kinds of internships and freelancing jobs pertaining to the nature of my education.

But what's been very humorous to me is the difference of job natures between my current and my previous job.

Prior to the job I most recently got, I was a photojournalism intern at the opposition newspaper Al-Masry Al-Youm for three months, while I'm currently being brewed to handle the tasks of an online community manager (bottom line, I do marketing stuff on Facebook).

Photojournalism at Al-Masry Al-Youm...

Back at the paper, when I first entered the photojournalism department, everything was so quite. I was quite petrified, although everyone was really nice; but I have to point out that everyone were 17 men, me being the only female at the department for no less than a month and a half; afterwards we became a total of THREE females in the department!

The crazy photojournalists I was honored to work with

You can take a guess at how it was like for me; if you can't, well, I kept repeating to myself like a maniac "إيناس, إنتي واحد من الرجالة" just to be able to fit in, and not feel like an outcast. I did manage to fit in, and I did develop quite a rapport with my team mates, but alongside such rapport was my intimate reunion with my Tom-Boy side of myself.

When the divine power was pleased with us, and sent us work down our ways, it was either boring stuff like interviews and conferences, or maybe less boring like sit-ins, and tasks were sometimes taken up a notch to cover a walk, or a protest. I can never forget the adrenaline rush of the first time I had to take photos in the presence of military police, or the first time there were people beating up one another, and hearing breaking glass over my head, not knowing where it was coming from. *Sigh* That was the day I decided I wasn't yet quitting this internship.

Anyways, you get a relative picture of what it was like. Yet, there were those days when we had absolutely nothing to do, and those were the killer times. Whenever the big boss 'الريس' was around, or either of the deputy heads, we had to behave like Kinder Garten kids in a classroom; and we loved one of the deputy heads so much we'd keep cursing him on Facebook chat all day long! *Sigh Again* ... The good old days!

Community Manager-to-be at Kijamii...

I narrate what I narrate now after a total of 6 work days at Kijamii, not knowing what the future holds for me there. But here's what I can currently transfer to you....
Unlike the dim-lit department, full of of back-bending office chairs, there was the Kijamii office, with bean bags scattered everywhere, in addition to a cozy sofa for those who get bored of their desks. They honestly had me at the bean bags; and the coziness of the office turned out to be a mere reflection to the beauty of the characters who liven up the essence of work there.

This time though, I pity the guys who endure working in Kijamii's female dominated sphere. I can't begin to describe what it's like for me working there, so I won't. You'll deduce.

I can state though what makes me go to the office daily with a smile on my face. I love that my bosses are 24 years old, and we don't actually have to rise when they declare their presence. I love that one of the first suggestions I added to Kijamii was buying a trampoline, and it was met with warm acceptance. Although this scares me, but I love how my female mates think I'm "cute" (mark my word, I'm gonna make them quite it!!). I love how my bosses respect break time (mostly) and how they believe no one should take their work home. When I'm with the girls, it's beautiful how we can discuss stuff I can't publicly share. For a new addition to the team, engaging in such personal conversations really made me feel like I belong.

The only downside of working at Kijamii by far is that it's mentally exhausting, with little or not physical action; for a hyperactive person, that is REALLY BAD! I just need to be more persistent on morning sports, that's all.

Bottom Line....

When I got accepted for the photojournalism internship, I was very excited about the task itself. I may have grown to love the people afterwards, and I may sometimes miss them, but it was all about the task.

When I got accepted in Kijamii, it took me a couple of days to swallow the job nature, which is very new to me, and not quite the kind of job I'd imagine myself doing.

Chasing after trouble to capture it in a picture gave me wonderful adrenaline rushes that brought me back to life, but I always was eager to leave when the clock stroke 3-3:30.

Managing online communities hurts my head, makes me lazy, and definitely doesn't give me adrenaline rushes; on the other hand, the giggles we share, and the unspoken bond that's growing fast makes me smile inside and out. That smile urges me to be more and more giving to my team, whether it's on the social or professional scale.


Regardless of the pros and cons of either jobs, they'll always remain two unforgettable jobs I had. I'll always be grateful to the new experiences those teams taught, and carry on teaching me.

The Spit Bucket

Hey there online diary,

I've been such a screw-up with written diaries; you know, those old school ones, the pen and paper ones? Yeah, those. Bad experiences.

Frankly, I'm only writing to myself. You're my spit bucket; that's a term my bestie and I came with in reference to being the 'receiver' whenever she had something she needed to spit out; hence, the naming!

Me and online trending have never really been good friends, but I decided I'll start the goddamn blog anyway. Yeah yeah, I know, blogging isn't hip and sharp anymore, which might be one reason I'm doing this. I LOATH BEING PART OF THE CROWD; I hate doing stuff just because EVERYONE'S doing it. And now that most people have turned their backs on the wrinkled trend of blogging, I turn to it.

Reasons for doing so: 
1) Since the first job I engage in while I'm on the verge of graduating, is one that deals with marketing, I fear my linguistics will rust. I must keep writing, to myself, to others, to whomever is bored enough to read this shit.
2) My brain seems to over think stuff, then just overlook them the other day. It's good that I still think and contemplate anything of value, but apparently I'm taking steps which if neglected the other day, I'm screwed!
3) This brings me to the point where I plea for this blog to act as a personal reminder of the things I think over, and the conclusions I come up with. Might be like studying something; if you write it down, you're most likely to remember it. Let's hope that's the case.

My final note is, if you're reading this crap, you need SERIOUS help!

No, you don't get to carry on reading; you must seriously start seeking help....

Farewell,
Masry