I Have More Friends Who Smoke Hash Than I Thought I Do... And It's OK!

One of the scary ideas I have about parenting, if I'm ever a parent, is how I'll possibly communicate right and wrong to a child while respecting their own space to make up their minds and form their own notions about the world. How can I do so without unintentionally planting any grudges in their hearts?

I grew up in a healthy family, both metaphorically at heart, and physically; two blessings I am forever thankful for. None of us are tobacco or hash smokers, or alcohol drinkers. I was always encouraged to eat healthily, and constantly do sports.

As one grows up, it is inevitable to encounter both means of learning about the world. You are taught what is right, and encouraged to pursue it, while you're also warned against the wrong, and cautioned to distance yourself from it.

Even though I'm not entirely sure when or how that happens, but we slowly start to associate wrong doing with bad people. We start to unintentionally label people early on at a young age.

It wasn't until quite recently that I was alerted to the prejudices I carry within but am unaware of.

Given the atmosphere I grew up in, exploring new realms of people came along with a multitude of new thoughts worth contemplating.

"Do you know why I arrive with such a cheerful mood everyday at work?" asked one of my ex-coworkers one day out of the blue, "It's because smoke hash before I come to work."

Unlike how I would have expected myself to react, I replied, "Well, I can't say I'm quite okay with smoking hash, but you're a beautiful person, and I have no problem with that. You're free to do whatever you want."

Not quite long afterwards, my coworkers were sharing when each of them started smoking cigarettes, when one of the people I would hands down consider very dear to my heart said, "I smoked hash for a really long while before I started smoking cigarettes."

What both surprises me and brings comfort to my heart is how I was farthest from startled when either of them shared that they smoke hash. Over the past couple of years, the list of people who I learned are hash smokers has been growing, but it is consoling to know that I have grown to be able to segregate between a person and what they do.

Many may argue that what a person does speaks volumes about who they are, which does make sense. But then, this is only one of many layers of what they do, and who they are.

Among the mentioned people, and those I haven't mentioned are people whose minds are brilliant , whose hearts are very pure, and who are always keen to remind me how I am loved for who I am. Among them are people who are in constant mental and spiritual pursuit to find sanctuary and equilibrium. Among them are people I truly love, respect and cherish.

At this point, it doesn't quite matter what my stance is towards smoking or drinking or whichever other habit which may not be welcomed by society. What does matter is that I have seen beyond those habits, and what I saw was beautiful.

We're never going to all be the same, nor hold the exact same sets of beliefs. As long as my beliefs don't hurt others, nor do theirs hurt me, I can't see one reason why I should hold grudges or build unnecessary walls.

When we just live and let live, the world exposes so much of its beauty that we previously chose to avoid or un-see.

Do We Owe Anything to Ourselves?

The subject of fate may sometimes bring about agitation for some people; how everything is written in the stars and meant to be. But when we speak of fate, we mostly speak of the divine power which orchestrates the cosmos.

But what if we're a lot more helpless than that, even for non-believers. How much of anything that we think or do do we actually owe to ourselves, our conscious-self?

A Subtly Dictative Environment

During the year I spent teaching children, I learned that the key to achieving desired results with the least amount of whining, crying, or tantrums is to make the child believe deep down that he wants to willingly do what you would otherwise fight about. It's perfect mind trickery, even though no one regards it as evil because it's usually for the purpose of cleaning up some toys, or wiping booger off their faces.

But what if it doesn't stop there? Allow me to illustrate.

Have you ever come across one of those viral videos which roll out quite emotionally, and then they wrap up with a message to buy a hand cream, or a car? Personally, it always makes me wish the video were just for the sake of the beautiful emotional message it sends, and it certainly makes me regard the video as much cheaper.

Had it not been for the quite obvious message wrapping up the video, I wouldn't have known that someone is manipulating my emotions to achieve their desired goals. Only other forms of communication don't quite have the same clear message, do they? Movies for instance? History maybe?

We've been taught that humans are social beings that interact with their surrounding world, and live accordingly. And by surrounding world, I mean everything you can lay your hands, eyes, or mind on, be it in accordance with the customs and norms of your culture or otherwise.

How much of the surrounding world is as it appears to be? How much of what we know is true? And if we react to a lie, what does that make of our decisions?

The You Beyond Your Control 

It's fair enough to think that if you can't control the surrounding circumstances, you can at least choose what to do with what is available. And whatever you think, do, or achieve, you owe to yourself.

That may have been true until I read a book that discusses the subconsciousness. According to this book, Incognito, your subconsciousness is what really does all the work, and the surprise is, you have as much credit for its thoughts as your heart beating. Exactly, none!

The author gives a little example to explain the relationship between your consciousness and subconsciousness. He says imagine a city where a zillion things happen, from a mother nursing a child, to kids playing, to a janitor sweeping the floor, and uncountable other events. And then there's the news where you only read about the city happenings which affect your life.

That's how consciousness and subconsciousness correlate, where your subconsciousness is the city with all the activity you're unaware of, and your consciousness is the brief summary of important stuff you need to know.

Accordingly, each witty comment you ever threw, every eureka moment, every moment you took to praise yourself for your incomparable intelligence, that was your subconsciousness. It has been brewing this thought for hours, months, maybe years, and when it was ready for you to know it, it surfaced to your consciousness.

But...

Something feels off, like the pieces don't exactly fall in place. Because I have seen people aching to make something out of themselves. I have seen the tears trickling down a very dear friend's face when she told me how she swam against the tide; how her childhood was particularly the warmest.

I may not always know what to believe, but seeing people like her makes my belief in one's will grow beyond my comprehension of space or time. It can't be that helplessness would ever make way for a person like her.

But there will always be instances when I take a look around, and nothing whatsoever will make sense... And quite many will those instances be.

Celebrate.

For over a century, since the emergence of the first motion picture camera in the 1890's, movie makers have subliminally enforced visual affiliations to words and feelings. We have watched people fall in and out of love in the same manner till the romantic images became almost a given of how love should evolve. Sorrow, grief, happiness, success, beauty and many other concepts in life were not much luckier in finding sanctuary from the overruling grip of molds and stereotypes.

Unaware that what the mind projects cannot be simply projected on a silver screen, many sadly forget to shut their eyes and take a look inwards to enjoy the colors a human brain can manifest; for the colors of the human brain are only seen by the soul and not the eyes.

Colors. Noises and laughter. Parades and dancers in sparkly costumes. That's how a celebratory scene would usually look to the eye. But to the soul, a fleeting moment of celebration, the ultimate moment of celebration is void of all senses.

When all the light is shut out, and all the sounds fade, only then does the spectrum of all that lights within reveal itself.

Only then does your soul celebrate.

Celebrate Eloquence

The value of words is far greater than the sum of its letters, and the word I stands witness to that. A one lettered word that is home to past experiences that have carved a human soul in scars and beams of light. A letter which engulfed the birth and death of hopes, fears, and many more emotions. And a single letter that will carry the weight of a future in solitude.

Word jugglers in this modern world are mostly found in the realm of marketing and selling stuff most people don't need. Clever as they may be, their words are short lived and soon forgotten.

But somewhere among these crowds, lie a clever few who know that the worth of their words should rise above the shenanigans of the marketing hassle. For those few, words were destined for more than just selling. Words are the only thing that can save a soul from drowning in its own darkness, or deprive another from seeing the good in the world.

As many words as I have exchanged throughout my brief life so far, I will always celebrate my short encounters with the most beautiful lady word juggler, whose words are so well picked that they make your heart tingle.

Celebrate Love

Slightly over a week ago, I was swept by a relentless wave that urged me to express my gratitude to the different people I know. Some of them are quite close and dear to my heart, while others I barely know. But whether distant or close, just the intent of expressing how special the people I'm surrounded with are filled my entirety with joy and appreciation for the little things. For the little sparkle that shimmers in our eyes when we speak of what we love. Those glimpses of life that escape us unwillingly to shine up the entire space we occupy.

Let alone their responses... Ineffable.

Celebrate Beauty

The beauty of beauty is that we perceive it differently, and that it affects the souls of those who seek it variously. It is bound to neither space nor time. Being receptive to beauty makes you quite selective, but once you have found it, it taps on feelings you never knew existed. A mellow tune can elevate your insides, while a smooth breeze can open up gates to dimensions only the mind and soul can reach.

Beauty is a feeling, and it's contagious. Incubate it, and spread it out.


I'm pretty sure that beyond every pair of shut eyes, a soul grows in sensitivity to all the good life has to offer. We often fear that if we blink, life will pass us by. But I assure you, if you blink more often, you will open up to a life you've been missing out on.

Celebrate.

The Inevitable Labyrinth of the Twenties

  As a kid, it always seemed that adults know it all. If you ever went into a debate with one of your school friends, you could always have the final say by stating that "my mom says so," and that was that, we had the absolute unquestionable truth at hand.

   Back when I was in middle school, one of my favorite ways of killing time was spending time with my friends imagining what we'd be when we "grow up", and by grow up, I usually estimated that around being 21. Well, they say it's when you're officially an adult.

   I always thought I'd have it all figured out by then. A stable corporate job, a healthy relationship, and however movies portray adulthood. I always assumed getting there would flow naturally, yet little does anyone tell you what to expect. No one tells you how to be prepared. What if I'm not yet prepared to declare myself an adult? Why does everyone else still regard me as one?

   You know all those cynical posts about how we used to wish we'd grow up, and how we now lament each time we wished for it? That never applied to me for two main reasons.

   Ever since I was a kid, mostly around the age of eight or nine, I started being quite skeptical. I was also the protective figure among my friends. I may have often come off as the wise ass, but I didn't like taking things for granted. So while many of the other kids were just letting things be and enjoying not having to think minor details through, I was busy being the over-thinking nerd.

   Nevertheless, I don't recall a time when my inner child and I were not intact and in sync. As we moved to college, it seemed that many girls of my age were quite unreluctant to tiptoe or dive into exploring womanhood. I, on the other hand, was busy exploring all the opportunities the world held for me. While people of my age were eager proving to everyone else how they've grown up, I went strolling with my inner child just having fun wherever we could find it.

   I never felt the urge to let go of the little dude inside because, of all people, he's kept me so alive by being so spontaneous, and by believing in the little things like love, trust, faith, and all the good that lies out there. This little kid makes everything seem so simple.

   But no matter how long you shut the world and society outside, they will eventually come knocking at your door, and bombard you with all the questions you never want to answer.

   What are you actually doing here? Are you good enough? Are you even good at all? What is right? What is wrong? Is everything I've been taught true? What's the cost I have to pay for doubt? How can I ever know if the answers I reach are correct?

   And while you're caught within this labyrinth which you have no recollection of entering in the first place, you hear all those people popping topics you couldn't care less about. Finding a suitable well paying job. Getting married. Being a decent tamed girl. Pleasing the society.

   Now I'm at this point in my life where I feel like I have nothing to prove to anyone. For once, I need to let down my guard and stop over thinking. I am foremost driven by curiosity to explore. I want to do the right things and take pride in them. I want to do the wrong things and learn from them, too.

  I'm 23, single, struggling to find a job that satisfies my potential rather than my bank account, not yet broke, but soon to be, and most of all, I feel free. I feel like there's so much that I need to explore and experience about myself by exploring the world outside.

   While they're all rushing to book pre-wedding photo sessions, I'm constantly eager for my next trip to a place I've never been to with people I've never met. I'm eager for the next challenge that makes me sharper and stronger.

   I can't give this up now. Not yet. I just can't see how growing up and settling down are even relevant. Growing up isn't by having fatter bank accounts and a ring around your finger; it's by being out there that I grow. This is how I want to grow.

   If growing up means letting go of a free spirit to conform and fit into the mold of womanhood, then I'm scared like shit of growing up. I'm scared like shit of not being sincere to my inner child. I'm scared I'll have to be like everyone else, grown up and lifeless.

Call Me a Sucker, but I Love Love!

   What a beautiful commercial world we live in, saturated with so many terms void of any value. Sparkly and eye catchy, but that's as far as many things go.

   People are too busy to stop and appreciate the real beauty of anything. Everybody's in pursuit of a quick fix, a rush of blood, ecstacy. And in the midst of this parade of pretence, they miss out on the real catch.

   As Elton John puts it, "there's more to see than can ever be seen; more to do than can ever be done." But some people's arrogance deceives them into thinking that reducing core values to an act or two will allow them more access to 'life'.

   Even though many of us seem to enjoy free falling through this glittery abyss of hollow pretence, there remains a few who summon as much might to swim against that tide.

Commercial Love

   Songs, movies, novels... even Super Mario sets out to save the princess. It makes us flap with joy everytime the main characters get to kiss (or God Knows do what else). It's in the air, it's everywhere. It's so tempting that everyone wants a piece of it. Relationships, Valentine's, Instagram couple photos, cheesy statuses... Satisfied? Are you all "in love" now? Are you living your favorite movies?

   I'm not joyfully rolling in mockery because I'm bitter, God forbid. May you all find true love, for it's a real blessing that I wish everyone is granted. But have you really found love? And is that the only form of love?

My favorite kind of Love

   I was raised in a family that taught me how to see beauty in the simplest things. I've been told of a God who has created everything with love. And I have heard songs that remind us that "all you need is love".

   Love is so inclusive that it touches all your senses; you can feel its energy, see it in the beauty around you, listen to it in the orderly melodies of nature, or orchestrated tunes of songs.

   Love is an energy, neither created nor destroyed, but changes form. It's so universal that it stops at no barriers. A plant feels the love of its caretaker and nourishes upon it. An animal feels secure when they sense the love of a bypassing stranger. A piece of work done with love will captivate its observers with its ingenuity.

   I love love because it's a silent language of its own. Once mastered, it cushions your falls, and tints the bleakest days with hope. But you can never master anything until you practice it first, and the first practice companion is yourself.

   A lot of people set out seeking love, and they overlook the fact that they have plenty of it within. If you can't love yourself, you can neither see it around you nor pass it on to others.

   You are worthy of love just the way you are. Take pride in that, and embrace it. Dig for the little things that make you shine. When you've found them, share their joy with the world out there. Believe me when I say, your love for yourself will inspire others to love themselves.

Seek it, and it shall find you

   Love, because when we love, we tend to see the beauty in people and in things. When we love, we tend to forgive. We tend to connect. We tend to be strong. We tend to grow. We tend to be human.

   Love yourself. Love people. Love all sorts of creatures. Love God. Be a hippie for all I care! Just let love flow from and through you. Pass it on, and when you have none to pass, be a beacon of joy and generate some.

   Love, but make sure not to degrade it, or boil it down to some cheap Hollywood scene.

My Ego, Alter-Ego, and the Blurred Lines in Between

   Many of us have come across a movie or two where a particular good character has been cloned, and where that clone goes bad. Eventually, there comes the scene when a third party is driven to the sweat-pouring point where they swing the gun back and forth with shaking hands between the good character and the bad clone. The question prevails... which one to take down?

Daughter (band)
Image seemed relevant

    Often when I contemplate my actions, thoughts or beliefs, I take a sweeping glance at the several alter-egos dwelling within, and each of them starts provoking me to put down the rest. So I summon my forehead scratching Inspector Gadget alter-ego, and I start tracing the roots of each bastard within.

   It's quite frustrating to find that often the most active and surfacing alter-egos are those which have rather illusive origins. They barely ever lead to any roots, for they always seem to stem from other people's conclusions, impressions, and probably deceptive alter-egos.

   I'm the kind of person who likes to believe in things and people until concretely proven false, but I keep sinking deeper into a void of disbelief. And the first suspect of fraud is me. 

   Even though I would regard myself a quite confident person who's not likely to have self-esteem issues, but it isn't quite hard to tell that something is wrong. I often convict myself of fraud because my sense of security and achievement is to a great extent a by-product of external approval. If I share my thoughts, I keep an obsessive eye on all the channels where people may complement them. The same happens with basically anything I share.

   Yet, there are the times when I just feel inclined to step away from the herd. There are the times when I intensely feel alienated from everyone. And those times feel the worst because I know that sharing what I feel probably won't be met with a nod of approval. Worse yet, I will probably end up with a label I resent.

   Sue me, but I feel distant the grimmer social media and  mass communications get. I know that there's a lot of ugliness out there. I realize the amount of heart ache humanity has to bear. But I'd rather be joyful about the little good left in this world, because one day, in this life or the one after, all records shall be set straight. Call me a fool, egocentric, or shallow, but I feel alienated from what most people are expressing. And it's frustrating to be gasping for air in a pool of questions on my own.

   As everyone around me 'seems' to understand what's going on, leaving me clueless and the least curious to understand, the only place where I find sanctuary is silence. But little do I realize that in silence is where my insecurities are loudest. To numb them, or silence them -if it's my lucky day-, I then engage in a mindless marathon with the crowd I feel most comfortable with, the one which is least likely to evoke more demons.

   God have mercy on me, for I live in a damned era of corrosive and core-decaying "mass communications" where people have become more outspoken than active; more pretentious than genuine. Where every shred of authenticity in thought, feelings or behavior has fled to sanctuary in silence, or ripped to pieces upon expression. We like to believe we're true, but how much of anything that we do or say is purely honest?

SHE Dudes

   Picture a loud party with, well, a lot of people partying. Do you know that person at the distant corner of the hall just observing and smiling with absurdity? Yippy yay, there you’ve spotted me! That’s my favorite seat at the relationships arena… the silent observer whose contributions are manifested in mockery.

   Sounds pretty pathetic, don’t you think? Why, I beg to disagree…

   Sarcastic female observers have fun differently, because they’ve got their “dudes”, and in return, they become “she-dudes” themselves. While winged eye-liners and pointed high heels (and of course, rich characters!) may crown some girls the shimmering label ‘girlfriend’, the road to being a ‘she-dude’ is paved solely for the hard core.

   Now here’s the fork where girls walk different paths. There are the girly girls (God forbid I become one, الشر برّة و بعيد), and there are the girls who are no less intact with their femininity, but they’d rather high five and punch than hug and blow kisses in the air. I’m not saying either is good or bad, but people naturally have preferences.

   I was the kid who watched G.I. Jane with dropped jaws, and I still am the one who punches and high fives.

   Although girly girls and she-dudes rarely ever share common grounds, it seems unanimously agreed upon that male company is much more fun and interesting than that of females.

Here’s what the GIRLS have to say….

   When I inquired about the reasons making male company more appealing, the majority of replies came in similarly stating that males seem significantly less dramatic, more fun, more willing to take risks, and generally more laid back and chilled.

   Even though the previous seemed almost indisputable, a few girls did some reality check and wound up sharing how some guys can be the most royal of all drama queens. Some others even concluded that it has nothing to do with genders.

   Yet at the end of the day, the facts to most girls imply otherwise.

   But hey, guys pretty much have a say, too. Even if they are courteous enough not to embarrass girls and ask them to back off, how much are they actually okay with female presence in a casual manner? And most crucially, are ‘she-dudes’ a truth or a myth?

Here’s what the BOYS have to say…

   What came off as good news to me is that the guys who responded ascertained that certain girls can indeed become ‘she-dudes’. Not only is it a truth, but also a social bond that comes in handy to a lot of guys. As one of my dudes put it, “most guys, like myself, can't understand the way a girly girl's brain functions. So you always end misinterpreted. You might even end up offending her or making her feel uncomfortable without even having the slightest idea!! On the other hand, girl dudes think like dudes (or at least know how dudes think) so it's very easy to have a conversation with one of them.”

   In addition to ‘she-dudes’ being a rather functional intermediary  between the masculine and feminine worlds, at a certain level they become a safety zone for the guys to confide in them. Although this is more of a personal conclusion, I believe ‘she-dudes’ are quite practical to converse with, and especially when it comes to personal matters. They’re logical and analytical listeners who balance out matter by incorporating emotional intelligence (which might often be undermined by the dudes). “However, it is much more common for girls to completely confide in a guy which results in the phenomenon known as having a "gay" friend,” added one of my friends.

What’s the Catch, then?

   Obviously, this social sphere seems like a win-win situation; tough girls get to freely be themselves away from the clichés and drama, while the guys get their free ticket to understanding this mystifying female world. Yet what grants girls access to this obscene harsh manly world?

   “We absolutely have no problem with a girl entering "دائرتنا الذكورية" (our masculine circle) as long as she can handle it.” And that’s that!

A Few Obstacles along the Way

   Seems like a perfect case scenario, don’t you think? Too perfect to be fully truly though. Here are some loopholes my friends have encountered…

   “From what I see, some guys don't like having girls as dudes because it's a matter of perspective mainly, being that girls are girls and boys can't share certain stuff with them girls because they won't understand that.”

   And to some others, shared content wasn’t the only issue. “I don't think that such friendship can last for long considering societal and communal constrains and stuff like that.”

   As the conversation drifted to that perspective, it seemed logical that with “girls being girls, and boys being boys”, such affection would naturally be translated into more intimate emotions, which leads my friend to the conclusion that a girl becomes a ‘she-dude’ “if there is a conclusive and reasonable explanation making it impossible for our friendship to turn into a relationship.”

My Personal Take

   I know that no social relationship will ever truly fulfill our desire for having the significant other who comes along with a lot of bullshit, yet manages to make our lives complete. Whether or not I’ll manage to keep my ‘dudes’ if my significant other comes along some day, I don’t quite know. But until then, I want to give you all virtual squishy hugs (err, I mean high-fives) because you have added so many layers of value, excitement and safety to my life. I honor that your keenness and blunt honesty have brought me closer to realizing much about myself. And last but not least, thank you for letting me in دائرتكم الذكورية! *screams “SEXISTS”*

Peace Out!